While I don’t live in fear of what is to come tomorrow I can understand how some are fearful especially if they have families. St. Paul draws a similar thought when speaking of celibacy. He notes that celibacy frees up a man to pursue God while the married man is conflicted with pleasing his wife and maintaining his household. I am not saying that marriage is foolish, this is a false notion. Rather it is the responsibility, to a greater degree, for the unwed are less bound to the fears that plague many of us.
We are called to run the race, to climb the grand mountains and scale the cliffs in life with a healthy fear of the Lord. Christ calls us to take up the cross and follow him. I don’t know about you but the idea of taking up a cross doesn’t seem like a survivable endeavor to me. It’s a matter of risking it all in pursuit of the truth. We are sheep and we can only serve one master, are we willing to risk it all or pursue the wide comfortable paths merely to survive?
I have many fears that too often hold me back from pursuing truth:
I don’t want to offend anyone
I don’t want to be a burden for anyone
Afraid to step on others shoes
Fear of creating unnecessary rupture
Afraid of stepping out of my lazy comfort zone
Want to be liked by others
All of these have one thing in common. They are selfish pursuits or non-pursuits for that matter. I like to fancy myself as orginal in many things because I don’t try to be original but just do things (like the Joker I guess). Right now I have an incredible problem on my mind which I don’t know what to do with. The problem is that I work two part time jobs and don’t get insurance through either of them unless I want to work another ten hours. Now I know this sounds like whining but I am already working 60 hours a week and my mind is dry by the end of it and my body is sore. The problem rests in how Barrycare has created the necessity for all insurers to provide plans that mandatorily provide contraceptive and abortive aspects. This is direct material support of evil, but the insurers have no say in the matter. And I being the end user have zero say as well. Im told by my parents I need the health insurance just in case, well that’s great but what does it profit a man to live 20 more days yet lose his soul? I know that the Bishops think that pursuing this problem in a constitutional way but in all honesty if its just a matter of “religious freedom” as recognized by the bill of rights who’s to say that the government doesn’t just say well its inconvenient to provide the right to religious convictions? Will the Bishops hold to their stance or crumble under the foot of Big Brother government and business?
I cant be the only one in this predicament. I’m frustrated but I recognize that there might come a time to act in a risky manner not only forgoing coverage and risking bankruptcy but perhaps jail time in refusing to pay an unjust fine for a system based on deception and cruelty.
I want to be like Peter initially when he gets out of the boat and walks on the water towards our Lord but the worries of the world suck me down drowning my mind in selfish concerns. The fear of losing it all scares me. I will say that a week ago I wouldn’t even allow myself to contemplate the matter, so I have moved on and challenged myself, but scaling this and any cliff that Christ grants us is terrifying.
Are we really willing to risk it all?
As the world strips us of our worldly dignity are willing to be fools for Christ? Am I a Slave to the world or a Slave for Christ in his grand procession? I need prayers for discernment. But enough about me, pray for the Syrian Church and the Coptics!